


closer than you know

by colourmeblue



Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [8]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourmeblue/pseuds/colourmeblue
Summary: “I know that look.” She's seen it, once before, outside the hag’s hut. Right when Beau was ready to give up just about everything for her friends. Yasha knows it well.Yasha’s gaze is understanding as she looks at Beau. There’s no universe in which she’s going to let Beau deal with this alone. Even if she does know that she’ll shut as many people out as she possibly can. Even so, there’s nobody in their group who understands more than Yasha does.“Don’t run.”(Spoilers for E122.)
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: you're my ocean, painted blue [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1595863
Comments: 8
Kudos: 158





	closer than you know

The first thing Yasha notices is the fear, because it’s so foreign to her. 

The alarmed and almost panicked look on Beau’s face as Jester and Veth fuss over her and Caleb. Fjord stands back, wary, and Caduceus looks contemplative. Spotting the red eye-shaped brands on both Beau and Caleb is instantaneous - it’s almost impossible to miss them.

The second thing Yasha notices is the attempt to rid her face of the panic.

Sweeping things under the rug is kind of Beau’s thing, Yasha has noticed. Even when it came to seeing her parents again, where she was the centre of attention and couldn’t hide from any of them, she still tried to slink out of the spotlight. Yasha understands, because she hated everyone walking on eggshells around her. After Molly. After Obann. It’s not what someone needs after something horrible like that has happened. But still, she knows in that moment, that Beau is going to try to hide as many of her emotions as she possibly can.

Yasha crosses the room to Beau before she can even think about it. She needs a closer look at it. She needs to be sure her mind is playing tricks on her.

And sure enough, it’s the same eyes she used to see every single day on Molly back in their circus days. Despite the fact that he tried to cover them up with his own tattoos. They were always unnerving to Yasha, but they never actually  _ did _ anything to justify those feelings. Eventually, they were just a part of him.

Yasha is surprisingly calm on the outside, despite the mixture of panic and anger swelling inside of her. She could well and truly go and beat the living hell out of Lucien right now. And she wants to. It wouldn’t make anything better, and she’d probably get herself killed, but it’s certainly one of Yasha’s more tempting ideas.

Beau’s gaze lands on her journal, left discarded on the floor. As she goes to pick it up again, Yasha notices her hands are trembling. Only a little, but enough to be noticeable.

“Beau?” She asks, trying to be as cautious as possible, but her voice is as uncertain as Beau’s hands, and it’s just enough to spook her.

Beau doesn’t make eye contact with Yasha, only moves past the others and heads into Yasha’s adjacent sitting room. Yasha knows she’s smart enough to not leave the space entirely, with Lucien and the Tomb Takers lurking somewhere in the tower. It seems the others know it, too, as nobody goes after her immediately.

When Yasha turns to look at the others, Jester’s already looking at her. So is Fjord. Both worried. Veth is holding Caleb’s hand.

It only lasts a moment, because her only plan is to follow Beau. She can feel the others’ eyes on her, and she knows now isn’t the time to feel awkward, but she immediately feels the heat burning up the back of her neck. She and Beau became  _ that person _ to each other a long time ago.

In the next room, Beau sits in a chair near the ever-burning fireplace, her fingers tapping anxiously against her knee.

Yasha feels sick. 

She moves over to Beau immediately, kneeling in front of the chair she’s in. She silently frowns for only a moment before speaking. “You’re still you?” It’s a tentative question and she’s not sure she wants the answer. The last time any of them had glowing points on their body… well… it almost ended badly.

Beau’s gaze snaps to her immediately, the quickest flash of panic in her eyes before it’s gone again. “I am. I think. I can’t prove it to you, but…” She looks down at her hands, flipping them over and back again. “I still feel like me.”

Yasha nods, a quiet breath of relief escaping her. It falls silent between them as Beau returns to looking off into space. She’s used to Beau filling the silence between them, usually when they have some sort of awkward discussion, but now Yasha has to take the initiative.

“I know that look.” She’s seen it, once before, outside the hag’s hut. Right when Beau was ready to give up just about everything for her friends. Yasha knows it well.

Yasha’s gaze is understanding as she looks at Beau. There’s no universe in which she’s going to let Beau deal with this alone. Even if she does know that she’ll shut as many people out as she possibly can. Even so, there’s nobody in their group who understands more than Yasha does.

“Don’t run.”

It’s less of a demand and more of a plea.

She’s clearly caught Beau mid-thought, likely contemplating just that. “I… No.” She shakes her head. It’s not convincing. “Even if I… I mean, there’s nowhere I can go.” A light yet humourless chuckle escapes her, gesturing around. Despite the fact that they’re in the tower, Yasha knows she’s referring to the endless wasteland that fucks with all of their magical ability.

“Just… what happened?”

Yasha expects a fight, or some sort of dismissal from Beau, but instead, she gets everything. And she hopes that it isn’t as bad as she imagined it would be, but as Beau fumbles with her words, obvious fear in her eyes, Yasha only gets angrier. Not at Beau, of course, but…  _ all of it. _

Beau’s scared, and so is Yasha.

“The worst part is that we don’t know enough.” Beau sounds frustrated - rightfully so - as she shoves her journal into Yasha’s hands. It’s still open at the page Beau had been scribbling in, but it’s complete nonsense. “We just did something without thinking about it. Again.” She stares down at her hand, the eye unmistakeable. “We should’ve known this would happen.”

Yasha can see she’s holding it back already - all the emotions that were shown on her face the instant that Yasha woke up. 

“I don’t know what to do.” Beau breathes out, and it’s the first time she  _ sounds _ panicked as well as looking it. Yasha doesn’t think she’s ever seen Beau like this before. Even at the hag’s hut, it was more of a resignation. A defeat she had already accepted. This is an anxiety that she can’t seem to get on top of.

“We can work it out.” Yasha nods, and she doesn’t understand how she’s able to suppress her own emotions so easily in this situation. She’s not even sure if she believes her own words. It’s almost as if her body knows that she has to be strong for Beau right now, just as Beau has been strong for her time and time again. There isn’t the time for them both to fall apart right now. “Hey, look at me.”

Beau’s eyes lift to meet hers, and Yasha notices immediately that they’re shining with fresh tears.

“I will not let what happened to me happen to you.” Yasha’s eyes are serious and focused, despite the fact that her heart is fluttering in her chest. “Okay? I swear, Beau-” It’s then that her voice cracks, just a little, but Beau’s facial expression notes the change immediately.

Beau frowns even more, turning into a semi-pout that Yasha would find adorable on any other occasion. 

This time, she hates it. She hates not being able to  _ do _ anything to combat this. She’s not smart enough or powerful enough to deal with this. She wants to be able to protect her. She would take Magician’s Judge and drive it through Lucien’s chest if that’s what it took. As much as she wants to save Molly.

“I’m-I’m scared.” It’s a confession that she lets out like she’s been holding her breath. 

It makes Yasha’s eyes snap immediately back to hers. “I know.” To have Beau admit something like that to her face is a lot. The impact of that isn’t lost on Yasha for a second. She takes a moment to lean forward, strong arms wrapping tightly around Beau. “Me, too.”

Beau tenses the second that she’s hugged, but it only takes a moment for her to relax a little. “I don’t want to hurt you,” Yasha hears over her shoulder. “I don’t want to give away what we know to those… people. Things. Whatever the fuck they are. I was finally- fuck, I hate this.”

Yasha only shakes her head, and she can feel Beau’s slight tremble in her grasp. Yasha knows to be worried, because Beau is worried. When someone as smart as her is concerned, you know to be, too. “You won’t hurt me.” That she knows for certain. “Or anyone else. And if Lucien wants anything to do with you, he has to go through me.” That has always been the case, and she’s sure Beau knows it, deep down.

Beau doesn’t say anything, only melts further into the embrace. It’s surprising to Yasha, especially considering she’s sure this is the first time they’ve ever hugged like this. It’d been so natural for Yasha to just follow her and comfort her, like it’s something she’s been doing for years already.

“We’re not losing you or Caleb.” Yasha pulls back from the hug to look her in the eye. “I’m especially not… losing you.” The vulnerability slips through the cracks, but she tries to remain focused on Beau. This isn’t about herself. “I just need you to  _ stay here, _ because I can’t-” She lets out a heavy breath. “I don’t know what to do.” All she can think about is  _ protect, protect, protect.  _

“I don’t want to go to sleep again-” Beau shakes her head. “I don’t want any more of those dreams.”

“You have to sleep eventually.” Yasha reaches up tentatively, brushing a stray piece of hair behind Beau’s ear. It feels natural and automatic, and for a second, it’s like they’re in an entirely different place and not dealing with the mess that’s landed in their lap. “Maybe you and Caleb should take next watch.”

Beau’s demeanor shifts a little as she reaches for Yasha’s hand. “I don’t want you to put you in danger in any way. This is not- I’d never fucking forgive myself, Yasha. We need to… I don’t know.”

Yasha swallows hard. It’s like looking in a mirror. “We don’t have to think about that -  _ this _ \- right now. Just…” She has a feeling that if Beau really wanted to, she’d put as much distance between herself and Yasha as possible. They’ve already had so much distance, both physically and emotionally. The last thing she wants is for Beau to put a stop to… whatever it is they’re doing. “We’re already in the danger. Isolating yourself… it won’t do any good.”  _ And it’s the last thing she wants. _

Yasha’s not entirely convinced by the look in Beau’s eyes, but there’s nothing she can do about it right now. They’re already going to be exhausted tomorrow and they haven’t finished their rest. For now, she’ll just be satisfied with the fact that it doesn’t  _ seem _ like Beau is going to run away. Not tonight, at least.

“Come on. I’ll take you to bed.”

Beau raises an eyebrow at that, and despite the innuendo making Yasha flush pink, she’s glad to see a more normal side of Beau. As Beau stands up, she exhales deeply, and Yasha places a hand on her shoulder to keep her steady. 

They enter the other room, and everyone is still awake, settled back down on their various beds. Caleb’s shirt is back on, so Yasha assumes they had a discussion of their own while they were gone.

“I’m fine,” Beau says to the group, and she looks a little better than she did. Still, it’s hard for Yasha’s gaze to not be drawn to the eye on her hand. At least Caleb’s is in a place that can be easily covered. The different placement must mean something, along with being unnerving as all hell.

As Beau gets back on the bed, she stops Yasha. “C’mon. This is your bed.”

Yasha looks over at Jester and Veth, both sitting on the bed and watching them both with curious eyes. She has no problem sleeping in the bed, especially next to Beau, but the urge to protect is stronger. She knows if she sits up against the door, nobody will be able to come in without her say-so.

“I don’t think Caleb and I should be on watch together. Something could happen.” Beau looks over at Caleb, who only nods in agreement.

“I’ll go first then,” Caleb offers, and Caduceus volunteers to stay up with him. Everyone else settles in to go back to sleep, despite the tension and lingering panic in the air. There’s nothing they can do about it now, unless they want to be even more exhausted than they already are.

Beau’s gaze returns to Yasha. “You need a good night’s rest. You can’t sleep in that chair or on the floor forever.”

Yasha finds herself nodding without even realising. She’s felt uncomfortable with the idea of the bed ever since Caleb made the tower for the first time. There’s still a part of her that doesn’t know how to deal with real comfort. Almost as if she doesn’t really deserve it. Still, there’s enough room for the four of them, especially one being Veth, and she sits down to make herself comfortable. She watches Beau’s eyes wander to her hand again, looking at the eye that’s staring back at her.

Lying down in the same bed as Beau is… an experience, to say the least. She and Beau take up one side, while Veth and Jester take up the other. Luckily, it’s a huge bed, so they’re not going to have trouble with the fact that Yasha is essentially giant.

“This is weird,” Yasha finally says, staring up at the canopy of the bed.

Beau keeps her voice down. “The fact that you’re finally sleeping in your bed, or…” She gestures between the two of them, her hand only able to move a little due to the lack of space. “This.”

“Well… a little of both.” Yasha almost says that this isn’t how she imagined it would be - because it isn’t - but she doesn’t want to open  _ that _ can of worms while the rest of their group is in the same room.

Luckily, Beau brushes it off. Now isn’t the time for  _ them. _ “Sorry if I starfish in the middle of the night.” Yasha turns her head to look at her, and she can see Beau’s trying to smile, but it’s more forced than usual.

“It’s better than you having another nightmare,” Yasha offers. Besides, Beau starfishing is kind of adorable. “Also you do it enough in the dome, so I’m used to it.”

Beau chuckles lightly. “Yeah. You’re right.”

Yasha doesn’t anticipate getting a lot of sleep tonight. “If you need anything while you’re on watch, just… wake me.”

Beau only smiles. It’s barely noticeable, but more genuine than her last one. If only a little.

“Get some sleep,” Yasha urges gently, not wanting to close her eyes until Beau is at least a little more relaxed than she is now. 

And she doesn’t. Not until she’s satisfied that Beau is asleep and that Lucien isn’t about to storm through the door at any moment. She’s sure he somehow heard every word of what they’ve been saying anyway. There’s nowhere to hide, only the endless expanse of the unknown lying ahead of them. The anxiety of it all ripples through her whole body.

Yasha can hear Caleb and Caduceus conversing quietly on the other side of the room, but she doesn’t care to listen. Instead, she focuses her attention on Beau, which has become something of a habit as of late, and she’s sure it’ll only continue to be now.

Yasha’s original ideas and potential plans regarding Aeor and Molly have been pushed to the back of her mind all in the space of an hour. There are more important things at the forefront now. Body formerly inhabited by her friend or not, there will be hell to pay if Lucien or the Somnovum touch a hair on any of the people in this room.


End file.
